Adistortedstar

Whatev

2004-07-19T00:36:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking lately that honestly maybe I'm not to bad looking maybe I'm actually a pretty cool guy and just maybe I'm talented I don't know but even though I'm still negative I'm gonna try a little more positivity. So yeah.

Justin~?~?~

Broken

2004-07-15T01:18:00.000-07:00

All day I've been thinking about what it would be like if something good were to happen to me...don't get me wrong I've had things go good for me with friends but I just wish I could meet someone and be as happy as I can be I just wish I had someone to be with. I've never had a good relationship and now my latest girlfriend hasn't talked to me and two weeks so I'm just not gonna try anymore I'm not calling or anything I'm tired of being a good boyfriend and being treated like shit. I've been telling everyone I don't care and that I should be used to it but I'm not I'm sick of it and I can't stand it anymore.

I know my best friend knows what I'm talking about because she's going through sort of the same thing. She likes this guy and I can guarantee they feel the same way about each other. He's just not willing to commit because he's to scared. I'm tired of seeing her hurting all the time. I just want her to be happy. I would sacrifice my happiness for hers. Of course thats not hard for me because I've lived with unhappiness all my life.

I've been contimplating lately how I'm gonna fix things with an old friend of mine Michael. He's being a stubborn ass to everyone and even though I shouldn't I blame it on myself and so I'm going to try the only thing that I can think of that will make him happy. I'm going to let him know how I feel about our whole feud. I'm tired of being the root of all problems. I mean the guy can't even look me in the face. I think that he feels like I'm stealing his best friend Cameron because all Cameron talks about to Micheal is me. I don't want to steal his friend, so if I have to stop that friendship to end this stuff fine so be it. But as for Micheal and Me our friendship just Isn't worth it anymore. No-one can make his choices for him. If he wants to be my friend thats fine but I wish he would realize that when I blew up in his face it was because he told me to talk to him he wanted me to talk to him and be honest if I wasn't be honest than just shoot me now but I'm sorry as a friend I thought he would understand and listen to me but friends aren't always as great as you hoped. Oh well Fuck it all I give up on everything. Wait ya know what I don't give up because if I were that stupid I would be just like Micheal giving up because I couldn't respect the feelings of someone else. I apologize to anyone who reads this and is offended, but this is how I feel and like I said If you don't like it don't read it. I'm not gonna let anyone tell me what to feel or how to feel.

I just wish I knew how to be happy. It's like I don't even know what to say to people anymore. Everyone wants me to be honest but be more positive and when I feel like shit I don't want to say Oh I'm Doing Great Thanks for Asking. I just wish sometimes I didn't care so much about everything. Because if I didn't I could hurt myself again, even though I know it's not the right thing to do I just have nothing to releave all this pain that keeps running through my head. Honestly in less than one week I have fealt more pain than I have in my whole life and I don't know why. I just keep breaking down, and I feel bad because I left all my friends tonight because after talking to my friend Emilee today I just kept thinking about everything and it just haunted me and I just couldn't be around anyone I needed time to think and write. Ya know when I was driving I just kept thinking how far can I go? Where is this road gonna take me? Where will I end up in a few years? I don't know any answers to those questions and I keep questioning and questioning. I'm a failure as a part of the human race, a glitch in the system, a bug to be debugged. I just wish I could put my foot on the gas and never stop. Hopefully it would take me to a special place.

Thank god there are to people out in the world that I can always turn to and know that they will always love me. Licia&Cole

I can't stand to cry anymore I'm out.

Life

2004-07-14T00:25:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to realize that I'm really not doing to good with this whole life thing.

I was talking to my friend Mistie and she was telling me how my blog is negative about life and then I asked her why and she said well you said stuff like Life sucks and stuff like that well for me it does I mean no offense but Mistie you've got your life planned out I don't know where my life is gonna begin. I'm going through so many changes and I'm not use to it and I feel really uncomfortable with everything. I mean I just talked to one of my Link kids and she's got her life on track better than I do.

Right now I don't even know what I want to do for a living I mean I've been saying graphic arts but I don't know if I really want to do that. I mean right now other than a few friends I don't really have anything. I mean when I was playing with bands and stuff I actually had something that I enjoyed until things never progressed but I mean now I really have nothing. I sit around and doing nothing and waste my life away well occasionally I hang out with friends but all those friends have have a little bit of an understanding of what they want to do with their lives.

I don't know what I'm gonna do about anything. I'm afraid to do anything anymore for a fear of what I might do, Might say, or Might feel. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way but I don't know anyone else who feels the same way. Damn I hate feelings and emotions and thoughts.

And no-offense to Mistie or anyone else but if this blog is negative thats because it's what I feel so if you don't like it Don't look at it. Yeah sorry but just so you know. It's you choice to read it or not.

I'm out

Tequito's

2004-07-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah so I was thinking about tequito's today. I figure if I ever get asked what keeps me going I'm gonna say tequito's I mean who would think a little tortilla with meat rolled up in it like a joint would keep me goin lol sorry it's just been on my mind like mad bad yo.

So today sucked I thought it would get better but it didn't I cleaned my room and came across old note and stuff from like middle school and I swear I had to be the dumbest kid in the world. SHEESH

But yeah one good note my friend Ashley called tonight it was good to hear from her and now I'm talk to my sister Mistie who I haven't talked to in about a month. She's moving out and she's getting married the crazy kid.

Anyways I'm sitting here talking to people getting kind of fed up with the old girlfriend and thinking about how I can make up for a mistake with my friend licia. I was kind of a "Dick" as she would say. lol

I swear it sucks being a loser sometimes. I hate sitting around all the time and wondering about what I could be doing...Ya know I may be chunky but I'm not lazy...

In other news I'm still flipping bored I'm gonna jet.

Justin~?~?~

2004-07-10T13:44:00.000-07:00

This was my Senior picture sorry I'm not better looking...

The beginning!

2004-07-10T12:54:00.000-07:00

It's been about a year since I've had an online journal. I realized that I wish that I had someone to talk to because i have a lot going on in my life well not a lot but many thoughts that process through my head.

Earlier I was reading through all my old entries from my freshman and sophomore year and ya know I thought I was childish now... But I really feel bad for my friends cause I really must have been annoying...Don't get me wrong I know I'm still annoying on a level but hey what can ya do.

So I just graduated from High School and I'm supposed to start my life. Ya know get a job go to college...Basically make something of myself. I feel like thats not whats gonna happen to me ya know. I mean I'm 18 I live at home, I'm not going to school right away, don't have my liscense or permit, and I don't have a job. I know I have talent and everything to get a job it's just like I don't know a lot of the jobs out there aren't for me. I finally found one that should be fun but we'll see. I guess I can blame my pickiness on one of my teachers Mr.Compton he imbedded the theory that if I'm not happy with what I'm doing then either change what you doing or quit complaining. So I took that advice with my first job and I keep it in mind when I'm looking for other jobs it makes it more challenging but ya know at least I won't hate working, which will making me a better employee.

Isn't summer supposed to be fun and full of events like hanging with your friends and just chillin' well if it is somebody made a typo in the rules of summer because that ain't happenin' for me. I'm working temporarely for a company and when I don't have to work I'm sitting at home watching t.v. and wasting my time on the computer. I hate it!!! I just wish I had friends that I could hang out with all the time. The only person I do hang out with all the time is my friend CAMSHAFT! and sometimes Travis which is great an all but I'd love to be able to hang out with my other friends more like Cole, Alicia, Mikala (Who I haven't seen since my party),Mistie(Whom I haven't seen since Graduation) Jeff, Kendra, Jonathan, Andy, Britni, andrew, and of course all my senior girls(Lacey, Kelsi, Lauren, Jennifer, Paige, Meredith) ya know all those people. But it's like everyone has stuff going on well that and I don't talk to many of them. I guess it's the big thing I'm missing right now because I know come next fall. All my friends will be going back to school and I won't ya know. But I guess thats the price I pay for my stupid decisions.

Ya know this real world living really sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!

Justin~?~?~